Review: Grown Ups 2


Grown Ups 2

Due to a heavy workload at his day job, Adam Sandler fan Don Clinchy was unable to review Grown Ups 2. Instead, Slackerwood is publishing the following open letter to Texas State Senator Dan Patrick from guest contributor Jimmy Don Dimmit. Dan Patrick appears briefly in the film.

Dear Sen. Patrick:

I must express my grave concerns about your appearance in the new Hollywood movie Grown Ups 2.

Senator, I am your humble admirer for all the honorable work you do on behalf of faith, freedom and fetuses. And so I was greatly shocked and saddened to see you in such a crude and unholy work as this movie. I know your role as a gym teacher was minor, but although you were on screen for only a minute or so, it was a minute or so too long.

At first I didn't recognize you. The Hollywood makeup artists obviously tried to conceal your appearance, as Hollywood tries to conceal the truth about America's greatness. But the makeup people could not hide your face completely. I was sure I'd seen you on TV before, and the "Gym Teacher -- Dan Patrick" credit at the end of the movie confirmed that you did indeed play that foul character. (I watched the entire movie only because the people on either side of me were generously proportioned, and I could not leave my seat without touching them inappropriately.)

Before I continue, I must explain that I do not see many movies, as I find popular culture a sewer of tolerance. But Grown Ups 2's themes of family and small-town values appealed to me as the kind of wholesome entertainment I would enjoy. This story seemed like one that would celebrate my proud Texas values: A father moves his family back to the small town where he grew up so he can reunite with his childhood friends, and his kids can escape the evils of California and live in a child-friendly real American place, like my hometown of Hutto.

I also must explain that while I knew the name Adam Sandler (the actor who played Lenny, the father), I knew nothing about him before seeing this movie. And now I wish I still knew nothing about him! If he thinks Grown Ups 2 is appropriate family entertainment, he must mean the Clinton family. Never in my life have I seen such a shameful display of hedonism on a movie screen.

I do not know where to start when telling you why this movie offended me, Sen. Patrick, and I fear I must venture into the realm of vulgarity when describing its many sins. I ask your forgiveness for using the words I am about to use. Please understand that I am using them only in the context of fearing the decline of our ever-declining culture. For your indulgence, I shall send a generous love offering to your next campaign.

The scatological mayhem of the movie's opening scene sets the tone for all that follows. A lost deer wanders into the family's home and generously relieves his bladder on Lenny as well as his son, who is in the shower and is thus, we can assume, naked. (Later in the film, it is implied that while in the shower, the son succumbs to the temptations of self pleasure. Sickening. That's all I have to say -- sickening.) Things only get worse -- if that's possible -- as the movie continues. The general attitude is one of irreverence toward all that is good, from proper language to proper dress to the proper relationship between the races.

The frequent cursing pierced my eardrums like a thousand jabs from Satan's pitchfork, but foul language is the least of Grown-Ups 2's obscenities. What concerns me more is the film's obsession with, shall we say, parts of the body that do not glorify God. There are many close-ups of female chests and backsides, some showing generous cleavage. (At least the cleavage was on the chests, not the backsides.) The film displays more underwear than an old Sears catalog, often barely concealing the shapes of male frontal personal anatomy. Worst of all is a scene that assaults our vision with glimpses of the four main characters' bare buttocks as they jump off a cliff completely naked. (Two of the buttocks were particularly inglorious. They belonged to an actor named Kevin James. I shall avoid all future movies of his.)

I was also shocked at the film's surprising tolerance of -- no, celebration of -- homosexuality. Many scenes are glaring proof that Hollywood promotes the most immoral of sexual immoralities, including a scene in which the town's school bus driver (yes, Senator, they're recruiting our kids!) reveals his homosexuality to Kyle, a handsome aerobics teacher with a perfectly toned body and magnificent blue eyes that complement his sculpted jaw and supple, provocative lips.

I mentioned Grown Ups 2's irreverence toward the proper relationship between the races. Sadly, some black characters are in positions of authority, including a police officer who looks very much like the football hero Shaquille O'Neal. I assume the actor isn't the actual Mr. O'Neal, but just looks like him. Mr. O'Neal is quite tall and must spend a lot of time stooping, but I cannot imagine he would stoop to appearing in such a detestably libertine movie as this one.

The natural order of racial things is also disregarded in the marriage of Mr. Sandler's character and his wife, who is -- again, forgive my vulgarities -- Hispanic. While I must say she is a lovely creature (her lips are nearly as provocative as Kyle's) and her role as a homemaker and mother is Biblically correct, it is impossible to ignore such blatant promotion of interracial marriage and procreation. (I want to be clear I'm not being racist here -- I had planned to vote for Ted Cruz until I heard he's Canadian.)

Grown Ups 2 made me more uncomfortable than Rick Perry at a Planned Parenthood vegan yoga class. But I will say that it had a few positive moments that countered all the homosexuality, teenage impudence and passing of gas and reminded me why I love America. One is a costume party that celebrates America's greatest decade, the Eighties (or as I call them, the Reagans). Another is a fight scene in which the townspeople beat up the intellectual elitists from the local college. It was a reassuring reminder that together, we can defeat the world's many evils that masquerade as knowledge. And there is a comforting scene near the end, when the mother of Kevin James's character tells everyone that an unexpected child is loved just as much as an expected one. This pro-life message surprised and delighted me, although I was again appalled when the woman explained that she had conceived an unexpected -- but loved! -- child in a public restroom.

But despite these few rays of wholesome sunshine, I must ask you, Senator: Why In the name of Heaven would you appear in such an ignominious glorification of glorified ignominy? And why was the most memorable part of your appearance -- if I may get a bit personal -- a close-up of the unclothed, hair-covered lower half of your buttocks as you climbed a rope?

If you really didn't know what you were getting into, that's bad enough. (When Hollywood came calling, weren't you skeptical? Your first clue should have been the very short shorts they made you wear. With all due respect, you looked like a character I once saw in a video about sailors on leave.) But if you did know what you were getting into ... well, I just don't know what to say to that. Did you really think your supporters would approve of a movie with a weak and effeminate male character who nibbles on the bicep of a manly female bodybuilder named Beefcake Kitty?

Sen. Patrick, I shall close by saying I hope your involvement in Grown Ups 2 was just a terrible misunderstanding, or that maybe those conniving Hollywood liberals drugged you before you consented. Please tell me this is the case, Senator, and that I can count on you to stay out of the movie business and focus on your tireless and heroic fight for limited government, unlimited prosperity, traditional moral values and the morality of values-based traditionalism, and above all, the health and safety of the women of Texas, whom we need to produce the Texans of the future.

Sincerely yours,

Jimmy Don Dimmit

Hutto, Texas

Grown Ups 2 and Dan Patrick

JImmy Don,

From your article
Sen. Patrick, I shall close by saying I hope your involvement in Grown Ups 2 was just a terrible misunderstanding,

The terrible mistake is you have the wrong Dan Patrick. I checked the credits and it is Dan Patrick formerly of ESPN and now NBC. I did appreciate your kind words about my work in the Senate, but you have the wrong guy. The other Dan Patrick and I do look a lot alike. It's not the first time time, nor will it be a last time, we are confused for each other.


p.s. if you want to see a movie I produced and co-wrote, it's a Christian film "The Heart of Texas." It won the award for best film made in Texas in 2009, and the best documentary, and third best over-all film out of thousands of entries at the Houston World Fest in 2009.
I'm happy to send you a free copy or you can get one at