DVD Review: Bitch Slap

in

Bitch Slap DVD coverI had hoped that watching Bitch Slap would let me get in touch with my inner Joe Bob Briggs, giving me a good excuse to write a purposely lowbrow review of a purposely lowbrow exploitation film. After all, film critics have few opportunities to include breast counts and phrases like "lesbian bikini fu" in their reviews.

Sadly, Bitch Slap, now available on DVD, isn't the festival of guilty pleasures it should be. In many ways, it's an accurate homage to exploitation films; the film delivers plenty of impressively large cleavage, impressive (and even larger) weapons, cheap-thrill sexuality, and nonstop action awash in blood and blasted with pyrotechnics. But Bitch Slap also is accurate in the worst way: While it tries earnestly to be a campy send-up of a campy genre, it's mostly as dull and unsatisfying as the grindhouse schlock that inspired it.

At the outset, Bitch Slap looks promising. After an intriguing and funny opening credits montage of vintage exploitation film clips, the film opens with a scene of a battered, bleeding, scantily clad woman lying in a desert, surrounded by the fiery aftermath of a fierce battle. Everything about this scene and the ones that follow it -- from lingering cleavage shots to tough-girl dialogue -- instructs the audience to forget taking Bitch Slap seriously and just go along for what no doubt will be a mindlessly sexy and violent ride.

The plot follows three young women, Trixie (Julia Voth), Hel (Erin Cummings), and Camero (America Olivo) as they try to steal a fortune in diamonds from an underworld kingpin's desert outpost. Via numerous flashbacks, the story becomes far more complicated than a mere jewel heist, with the situation escalating to one of global importance involving government conspiracies, shifting alliances, and revelations about who the characters really are. In the finest exploitation film fashion, of course none of this matters at all; the plot is little more than a framework for numerous leering anatomical close-ups and endless, bloody violence.

All of this should make for good, silly, sexy fun, but Bitch Slap lacks the wit or style to maintain the joke beyond the first act. Like most films of its genre, Bitch Slap is bad, but it's not bad enough to be truly good. The complex and asinine plot, overuse of bizarre flashbacks and split screens, and ridiculous special effects obviously are meant to parody the same elements in similar films, but they're more distracting than entertaining. The dialogue is often bitchily spot-on and riddled with creative sexual epithets, but much of it is lost in the relentless mayhem. Above all else, Bitch Slap commits the most unforgivable mortal sin in the world of exploitation films: The three female leads are deliciously (make that cartoonishly) sexy, but never actually take off their clothes. (As Joe Bob might say: No breasts. Do not check it out.)

On a positive note, although the cast spends most of the film being verbally assaulted, beaten, shot and splattered with blood and guts, at least they appear to be having a good time. Voth, Cummings and Olivo are well cast as the film's trio of one-dimensional, butt-kicking female leads, although it's difficult to tell whether their wooden delivery and constant scenery chewing reflect true comedic talent or just mediocre acting skills. Michael Hurst (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys) is thoroughly odious as underworld sleazebag Gage. However, cameos by Hercules star Kevin Sorbo and Xena: Warrior Princess stars Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor are mostly wasted.

Extras: More entertaining than Bitch Slap itself is the documentary on the DVD, Behind Bitch Slap: Making a Better B-Movie. At over 90 minutes, Behind Bitch Slap is nearly as long as its subject and far more interesting. Amusing behind-the-scenes footage reveals that Bitch Slap was, uh, a real bitch to film, especially on location in the California desert amid freezing winds and frequent sandstorms. And in lengthy interviews and comic asides, the Bitch Slap cast and crew come across as talented professionals who are far smarter than the film they produced.

The DVD also includes two commentary tracks, one with director/writer Rick Jacobson and writer Eric Gruendemann, the other with the trio of lead actresses. The comments from Jacobson and Gruendemann add a lot to the film, with many production details and film industry insights. Voth, Cummings and Olivo are less insightful and a bit giggly, but their comments are a good fit, after all, for a flick titled Bitch Slap.