Review: Zookeeper

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ZookeeperWhy don't animals talk? Well, if Zookeeper is any indication, it's because they have absolutely nothing worth saying. At the end of the year, this movie will be tops on many worst-of lists.

Two former Spin City writers who brought us Norbit a few years ago teamed up with with a few of their buddies to write one of the most worthless, predictable, groan-inducing and even objectionable talent black hole of a script Hollywood's seen this decade. That's right, it's a script so bad it sucks the talent out of more stars than were at this year's Oscars.

Cher, Stallone, Nolte, Favreau, Breuer, Apatow, Rickles -- these folks are all so big they only need one name, but as the voices of a zoo full of obsessive-compulsive furry/feathered friends, they are telling more poo and pee jokes than you could dig up from a full season of South Park. Even Ken Jeong, one of the craziest funny guys in movies lately, is reduced here in Zookeeper to a tepid, boring, creepy approximation of his screen self.

The sad thing is that beneath all the jokes of extraordinarily bad taste is a family-friendly movie about being yourself and recognizing love when you find it. Kevin James as titular zookeeper Griffin Keyes has spent five years heartbroken over the girl who turned down his marriage proposal, Stephanie (Leslie Bibb). When she suddenly appears at a reception for his brother's wedding rehearsal, his animal friends decide to help him win her back. How very Disney a premise. Indeed, many kids today can identify with the story as they've wanted to help keep their parents together or reunite them after a divorce. But Griffin is an adult so insane over his ex-girlfriend and somehow so intensely stupid, he is willing to listen to these animals as they instruct him in the finer arts of walking with his crotch thrust out and peeing to mark his territory.

If that's not bad enough, one of my favorite comedians, Joe Rogan, appears as another ex-boyfriend in competition to win back Stephanie. Rogan, in his feature-film debut, brings a history of playing ape-like men on TV, but this script is at his lowest where Rogan's character Gale is concerned. One argument between the two devolves into James's character making fun of Gale's "feminine" name.

However, the most offensive thing I've seen in a Hollywood film since the racist stereotype ghetto-bots in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the line from Rogan threatening to fight Griffin, "Let's get it on, Cherokee style," while pantomiming shooting a bow and arrow. I expect we'll see apologies issued in a few weeks when someone makes a stink about this, but it just won't stink as bad as this movie.

The biggest problem with Zookeeper as I see it is that Adam Sandler produced it, and while not credited with writing it, he did voice one of the animals. His stink is all over this movie with jokes and dialogue that reek of Sandler. Deplorably, Sandler and those around him don't realize that his material is old, offensive and lowbrow. It mars what could otherwise be a sweet love story with the one really likable character, Rosario Dawson's fellow zookeeper Kate.

Replace the animal dialogue with something more intelligent (even Eddie Murphy's Dr. Doolittle would be better) and make Griffin just a little more believable, and this movie could work. Instead, Pookeeper, er, I mean Zookeeper has the distinction of being the first movie to give me an actual headache while watching it. See this at your own risk.