This is Not Your Living Room: A Theatergoer's Primer -- Part Two

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Half-Ass-a-Thon Audience

Have you recovered from Part One yet? If so, read on for more basic theater etiquette.

Personal Space. Just because you put your feet up at home does not mean that's okay in the movie theater. No one should have to share an armrest with your toes, or be forced to look at them in the seat next to them. If you put your feet on the tables at an Alamo, I hope the waitstaff puts theirs on your food.

Hats Off, AKA Bouffant Be Gone. Seriously, if your thinning hair makes you so self conscious that you can't remove your hat indoors, either sit in the back row or talk to your doctor. As for you, Big Hair, the 50's want their bouffants back, and no wants to get whiplash trying to look around you. If you don't sit in the back, pay for the seats that you block.

Bama Girl audience (revised)

Andre (and Jennifer) the Giant(s). I am guilty of this one, to some extent. I'm Amazon tall, and I don't sit in the back at the Dobie or the Paramount, where the lack of stadium seating can make it difficult for the height challenged. However, I always sit on an aisle seat, and I have asked people if my height is in the way -- they're either too polite or it hasn't bothered them.

Press Row Privilege. Advance screenings always have a row or two reserved to ensure seats for the ladies and gentlemen of the press. These people are invited guests of the studios who are reviewing the films. If you are seated in the press row, respect the fact that it's their job to pay attention to the film. Talking, kicking seats, hogging armrests, elbowing, slurping -- it's all distracting. Sitting in those rows is not a right, it's a privilege, so act accordingly.

Jette also points out that starting a conversation like, "Are you a critic? Why did you all hate Transformers 2? Elitist snobs!" is also a bad idea.

Fidgets. I admit it, I fidget in theaters. More precisely, I frequently readjust how I'm sitting because I've got bad knees, and I like to be able to stand up without falling after the show. I do try to be mindful about it, and have warned rowmates beforehand. However, I do not kick the seat in front of me or the metal railing. Nor do I jiggle my leg incessantly so it makes all the seats on the row move.

Jette adds, "If you're sitting next to someone, don't sit with your leg crossed in such a way that your neighbor can see the sole of your dirty, nasty shoe. That always grosses me out. Especially in a venue with small seats like the Paramount. Cross your ankles instead or keep your feet on the floor."

Control Your Kid. The theater is not a surrogate babysitter. Your kids should not be running around or yammering away during the movie. Please help them understand that talking above a whisper in the theaters is not acceptable. And just because you're inured to your baby's cries doesn't mean everyone else is; it's like sirens, only with stinky diapers. If you can't control your kids, leave, leave them at home, or go to Baby Days. There are reasons why Alamo has strict child policies.

Jette expands on this particular topic. "If your child is kicking the seat in front of you, pulling the hair of the woman in front of you, crying, or running up and down the row, it's time to take a break in the lobby or go home. I call this the Ratatouille Rule, or Why Chip Won't Attend Preview Screenings of Family Films Anymore."

Age Appropriate. Even if you don't love your kid enough to consider how traumatic an R-rated film can be for them, don't subject the rest of the audience to your kid at such a movie. Personally, I don't think 10-year-olds should be watching films with cunnilingus or torture porn, but I may be a prude. Seriously, Austin, just because a film is free doesn't mean it's appropriate for everyone.

There are exceptions to MPAA's age-appropriate rules, such as Austin's Zombie Girl Emily Hagins, who for the record, may have been attending horror movies at a tender age, but with the full knowledge and participation of her parents. As Austin's youngest auteur filmmaker, she's the exception that proves the rule. I highly doubt most of the parents who drag their kids to the theaters have budding filmmakers in their households.

Sit. Stay. Sit on the aisles if you expect to get up frequently. Making people move every time you come and go because you have a tiny bladder or are bored is rude. Arrive early enough that claiming your seats then getting refreshments isn't going to disrupt everyone between you and the aisle, and in the rows in front and behind you. If you have a tiny bladder, sit on the aisle, not in the middle.

 The audience

Hygiene is Not a Four-Letter Word. Even before the swine flu scare, washing your hands has been a fundamental good hygiene habit. So wash them. With soap. And cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze. And control your bodily noises as much as you can; no one wants to hear you hack up a lung or a furball.

Scent Sense. Deodorant is your friend. Perfume is not, especially when you're swimming in it and we can see the vapor waves before we can see you. Overbearing odors, whether synthetic or organic, are distracting at best and nauseating at worst. If someone can smell your fragrances beyond your elbows, it's Too Much.

Pack it In/Pack it Out. Just because staff are available to clean up theaters doesn't mean they should have to clean up your mess ... times up to 500 people. Is it so exhausting to carry that oversized empty cardboard tub and ice-filled cup to the front of the theater and dispose of it properly?

Chew with Your Mouth Closed. And stop slurping. This isn't a Japanese noodle stall, and we don't need to know how much you enjoy your food. Frankly, some of that cheap popcorn with fake buttery topping at the chain theaters smells really bad when mixed with the stench of your halitosis.

While you're at it, stop fussing with that bag of food you smuggled in. Just rip it open for gods sake instead of torturing everyone with every cellophane crackle.

Spill Alerts. Theaters are dark places, and it can be hard to see. Spills happen. However, purses and bags on floor happen, too, and some of us with purses -- and bags, and jackets that slip to the floor -- would like to avoid having them covered in spilled soda, or worse, beer. So alert the person in front of you when you spill ... quietly, of course.

Tip, and Tip Well. If you use seat-side service in a theater, you'd better tip, and tip at least the minimum (15 percent or double sales tax in Austin). Alamo waitstaff will do everything any other waiter does, but on stairs in the dark. If you can't afford the tip, you can't afford the food (and you should be capable of going 90 minutes without food). Stiffing the waiters is unacceptable, even if the food is late or bad. Those prices aren't inflated to give everyone huge salaries, they're covering the massive amount of staffing required to feed whole rooms of people in under 90 minutes.

Remember, there is a special hell for child molesters and people who talk in theaters. And those who don't tip or skip out on bills.

Just because people aren't always telling you how rude you are, they're thinking it. Loudly. If you can't distinguish between your living room and the theater, stay in your living room.

Here we go ...

[Photo credit: All photos by Jette Kernion.]

This is Not Your Living Room

I've been looking forward to reading this since you were telling me about it at Transformers (FTR I am not a critic and I hated Transformers too!) and it was dead on about everything a lot of us are thinking. Great article!

Civil War Widows.

Let us hope everyone reads the Theatergoers Primer. Someone print out copies and slip them into motorcar windows.

In agreement with damn near all of this, but with this aside, my favorite movie moment of the year happened last month, while NOT at The Alamo (wasn't playing what I wanted to see). I entered a local movie theater and three seats to my left three elderly women were talking loudly when the preview for Sandra Bullock's most recent flop hit the screen, when one of the blue-haired goddesses offered the following: "Oh, (sigh) my god she's adorable, but I F_______ing hate that girl's movies."

Thank you old ladies. Wherever you are.