Review: Colombiana

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ColombianaColombiana is ten pounds of The Fifth Element in a five-pound bag. This violent flower is covered in Luc Besson's stench, but lacks the humor, heart, and wit that made his previous work such a hit. Co-written by Besson and Robert Mark Kamen, who also penned the screenplay for The Fifth Element (as well as The Karate Kid and Transporter 3), Colombiana is directed by Olivier Megaton (Transporter 3).

Zoe Saldana stars as Cataleya Restrepo, named for the unique orchids that grow only in her grandmother's village in Colombia. Forced to watch her parents' murder, young Cataleya escapes and makes her way to Chicago to live with her grandmother and uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis, The Last Airbender). There, she plots revenge on the drug lord who ruined her life, while her uncle trains her to be a stone-cold killer.

Like The Fifth Element, the characters in Columbiana are all driven by simple motivations. There is no complex plot, and there are no strong personalities to make this film  memorable. The action is decent, and in a few scenes the movie really shines with Cataleya's cat-burglar-ninja assasinations. Unfortunately, the initially intriguing setup fails in execution as any potential surprise is telegraphed with foreshadowing so excessive, the term needs to be redefined as foreblackholing. I'm no fan of loose threads, but Besson and Kamen could have at least tried to throw a few curveballs.

Colombiana is unintentionally funny at awkward places, yet barely makes use of Dead Like Me's Callum Blue, a proven funnyman. Clumsy editing results in a pulled punch at the climax of the film, and two large anachronisms pulled me out of the story. (Xena: Warrior Princess didn't exist in 1992 -- the show started in 1995, and 15 years later in 2007, we see a photo of Obama on the wall of a government office.)

Zoe Saldana, for her part, is excellent, and the camera loves her. So, while I enjoyed Colombiana for the most part, it is an unfortunate mess suitable for Netflix or cable viewing.